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A Canadian Butterfly
Thoughts On Paper :)

Warning....may require tissues <g>

I wrote this one night while thinking of how difficult the first few months of Erica's diagnosis had been, and how our outlook on life has changed.

A Vision In The Night

I remember the year
Oh so well
We had reached Hell

Freedom was taken
From my innocent tyke
Diabetes came calling
A life altering strike

The pain and confusion
A terrible brew
The tears and frustrations
But what could we do

We dealt with the needles
The finger pokes too
But the most heartbreaking moment
Came one morning at two

A month after D
We still barely slept
Into our room
Tiny feet had crept

With her thumb in her mouth
Her fingers twirling her hair
My sweet little babe
Had a question to share

"Mommy", she asked me
As she cuddled so near
"When do I die?"
I couldn't see past the tear

A question so simple
Not filled with dread
Just a worrying notion
That had entered her head

She wasn't really afraid
She didn't understand 'die'
But when would she see us again
Dad, her sister and I?

That was the worry
That kept her awake
Alone in her room
Waiting for death to take

Her away from us

For a month she had wondered
When would she go?
What does it mean?
And I didn't know :(

My heart it was broken
I hugged her so tight
Vowing to never let go
Or give up the fight

When I asked why
she thought she would die
Her 'literal' thoughts
Made me understand why

"But I have a disease
It is called 'die' abetes
And I was 'cared about dying
Cuz I'm not sure what 'die' is"

I don't have to tell you
For me, no more sleep came that night
When I told her she wouldn't die
She curled up sooo tight

So soundly she slept
After getting the news
She wasn't going away
She was not going to lose . . . us

I lay awake tortured
Thinking of this secret she kept
A month waiting for death
Did it come when she slept?

Almost 8 years has passed
Since that horrific night
And my vow I have kept
To keep up the fight

My eleven year old
Is happy, mischevious, and fun
Diabetes starts wars
But many battles we have won

Diabetes will not take her
Of that we are sure
Cause Erica now dreams
Of something called 'the cure'

She still doesn't understand 'die'
But this I can tell
She SURE understands living
And she does it SO well!

Is Pumping Easy? No, of course it isn't. Things can and will go wrong from time to time. It is a bit of a joke, although not a funny one, but every time I go on and on an on about how great pumping is . . . something happens to frustrate me to no end!! And, it always seems to happen late at night. I am a member of the Insulin Pumpers website, and it seems when I post something on the Digest about how well things are going BOOM! You can be assured something will go wrong :) I told some people it felt like there was an evil gremlin or something watching over us and when we felt HAPPY, he decided to take us down a notch or two. So, I decided one morning at 3:00 a.m. when we had to do an unscheduled site change, and I was waiting for EMLA to take effect, that I would write something to that Evil Pump Fairy. Pump Fairy or not, would we ever give up pumping? NOT A CHANCE!!
Here is my rant at the Pump Fairy

Evil Pump Fairy

Evil pump fairy
please stay away
Or at least when you visit
make it by DAY

When I spread the word
of our pumping delight
your big ears are open
and you visit by night

I can picture you sitting
on Erica's toes
magic wand weaving
under her clothes

Finding its way
to her wonderful site
wreaking your havoc
in the dark of the night

Can't you please visit
when daylight is dawning
I hate spending my days
with sore jaws from yawning

So 'evil pump fairy'
Wherever you be
your point was well taken
This morning at three

I'll not post our joy
Where it will be read
I'll keep it low key

Barb Chafe, November 1999